When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
im on a boat
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