And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
