When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I lost the right to judge tonight
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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