it was like his penis was on wheels.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
