sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
