at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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