I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
