listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
