Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Randomize
