oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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