I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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