I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
