I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
