Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
