The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
