smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Congratulations! We have a period
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