Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
