the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
