So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
