i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
