my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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