Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
