tell your sister to shave her snatch
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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