Ambien. No doubt about it.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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