I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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