if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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