I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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