I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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