Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
In other news, I just burned my penis
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
