Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
