either way he was missing a nipple.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
