Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This is classic penis vs brain.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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