just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
