Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
