Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
