i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
