nut hugger
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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