if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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