Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
