my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
