when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
