mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize