Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
