next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
