A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
