Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Vodka?
Forever.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize