I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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