There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
