i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
