Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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