You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
