You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she smelled like a LAN party
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Who died my cat blue again?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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