Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
