I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
