I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
