watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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