He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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