I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you have to choose: penises or morals?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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