Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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